Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
