i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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