I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
