I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
