The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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