Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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