Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
