i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
