My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
