I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
