I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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