I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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