WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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