I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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