When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
