Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
