He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
