1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
