Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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