you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Drunk is not a location!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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