Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
