where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
