My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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