I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the high leading the old right now
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
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