Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
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discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
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We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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