I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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