i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
