There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
