My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the condom got lost in my hair
Best friends brother. Beat that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
