i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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