You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
