Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
