And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
