i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
