I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I cockslap morals
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
