Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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