Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
