it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
