I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
