I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
