I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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