note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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