We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
