I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my shit smells like andre
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
