I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
