explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
