Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
