i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
