if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
