This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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