god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
