I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
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Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
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Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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