I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
