I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
