she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Life is so much better after having sex.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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