Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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