remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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