she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
