My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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