I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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