You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
