im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
