I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
